Time is the only thing one cannot capture.
But moments, you surely can.
There have been several moments in my life, where i should have taken a decision.
Decision that would have crafted by future. But then i kept wandering in my own thoughts, in my disbelief. Wondered if i was really capable of what i wanted to accomplish.
I knew i loved music, i knew i could play, i knew i could learn quickly.
But then i held myself back. I wonder why.
Was i overthinking about what my parents wanted me to do?
Or was i just too lazy to try harder?
Because as much as i remember, at the most extreme they would have really got mad at me.
They would never kick me out of the house for the fact that i play.
Yes, they have their own dreams. They have their dreams of me, of my life. They want me to become an government officer, specially my father. They want me to earn enough and get married well.
I am going to turn 25 on 15th August,2017. The society where i live in believes this is the right age to get married or to at least start looking for a groom.
It is so much pressure. Pressure i cannot express, i can only feel. I feel like i am trembling. I haven't figured out my life yet. How can i possibly decide to share it with somebody, somebody tagged officially as my husband, my life partner?
I feel so blank. So lost.
It isn't like i do not have plans. I do. But while i work on them, the age factor, the arriving marriage proposals scare me. Suddenly life feels so small. It is like a doctor telling a patient a possible duration of his lifespan. I just have an year or two in my hand before parents start pressurising me to get married.Being the eldest followed by a younger sister and a brother, makes it more difficult.
As time passes by, i wonder why i just keep wondering. I wonder what decision to take. What mistakes to not repeat. I wonder why, when i sit to play, i don't feel the same hunger that i did before. I know music is one thing i really want to do. But somehow i take a backseat and watch time pass by.
I stay Alive, trying to breathe, trying to make sense.
I work in a digital marketing agency. Within a week of my last day of college as a post graduate, i landed up at my job. Since then, it has been almost two years.
I took it with the intent of learning digital marketing, one that i could further use for my own development as a musician, as well as for other musicians.
I took it so that i could earn, so that i could buy my dream guitar, so that i could buy other amazing equipments that could help me record better, portray better. Its been two years, i am still trying.
Been though much to express, questioned too much to be answered.
Time is passing. I am not sure what i am doing. I am at a stage where i desperately want to leave my job, focus on music. But i think i do not have the courage to be without money, without job. Nor can i take up a job that is lesser than i am doing right now. That shall totally disappoint my parents. My current job as a digital marketing specialist demands a lot. Freelancing is something i can do. But again i think i am too afraid for the change.
I have to keep trying to build courage. And so i begin typing again after almost a year, letting it out. For the world to see, hear me, i type, i type to reach out. I am sure somebody will get back to me. Somebody passing the similar phase of life, or somebody who might be able to understand my situation. Somebody will reach out sooner or later.
With that hope, i shall keep typing, sharing what i feel and experience. For i know when sometimes i cannot talk to anybody else, i can at least type.
Today i have taken leave from work, hoping to encourage myself to play, to rebuild the belief that i play.
To Live while i Can!
