Tuesday, 24 July 2018

The Best Available Recourse - Me

We often think about the things we want in the present or future. We keep trying our best to get them with whatever means possible. We work harder than before, plan better than before, think through much more than before. And the moment we receive what we worked so hard to achieve, we live in the moment only to gradually fail.

Fail in keeping up with what we struggled throughout, spent sleepless nights, dreamed will all our might. Its value degrades with time. Believe or not, it is true. Once we achieve something, we think about the higher step and that is perfectly fine. The trouble arrises when we lower the value of what is achieved earlier.

Sadly, the older we get, the stronger this habit gets. With the kind of stressful, competitive and materialistic life we live in, we just go on catching hold of the moment only to leave it quickly. Moving on to the next. This might work out for many, but not for all. This might show like a a sign of growth and success for most but not for all.

My Story -
I was a quiet kid with some hopes of doing best in whatever came in my way. A lot of people helped me knowingly and unknowingly making me realise my capabilities. And I went on and on with my beautiful life. When i look back now, I barely find any big struggle in whatever I achieved back then, because all I did was purely out of love and excitement.

Out of the several activities I took part in my school, singling was one. After I joined my school singling group, there were several competitions I got to attend. One such was an intra - school competition where I came across several Indian and Western instruments I never saw or head much of in my life. I got the vibe which I know understand. Back then i was just in Awe. And there began my journey about wanting to understand the sounds generated by instruments.

I never dared to play any instruments owned by people in the band but I thought someday I would. In my second year college at the age of 18, I came across a music class in my society that taught several instruments. My brother had music sessions in his school and was interested in learning outside of school too. I think i was much more excited that he was. I always found an excuse to drop him and pick him out at the music class where he learned the guitar and stayed there for as long as I could. One day when the instructor wasn't around, I picked up the guitar and tried playing. At that very moment, it felt like a part of me. Never felt like it was my first time holding it.

Soon, i convinced my mother to let me join the classes too. Didn't continue classes for too long but surely thought of buying the guitar someday soon. And so I did. My first ever guitar, YAMAHA F310. It was like a huge achievement. I didn't really play it for too long but whenever I could, I did. I learned several pieces. One of them my percussive style guitar song - Drifting by Andy Mckee. To my surprise, I learned it within a week with not too much of a struggle.

As time went on, I though i require a better guitar to work on my percussive style. But i knew i couldn't get one any sooner. I thought of recording it on the phone, used several apps but didn't get any output. Later I got a chance to record at a studio and that is when i could have shined. But, I didn't I didn't make much out of that opportunity. I wish I would have. Years later, I got my job after completing my post graduation and went on owing my first Martin Guitar after waiting for several months and again, felt life something was missing. I got it customised to produce better sound. Got a Macbook Air and a sound card to record better. But, didn't do a thing. Paid a good amount of money to go for a music production class but didn't continue for the excuses i gave myself. Life gave me so many opportunities and I let them slip away. I wish I wouldn't have.

I am turning 26 on the 15th Aug'18 and when i look back, it scares me. I was my best resource and I didn't use it. Now, that i realise, I sure cannot undo things but I have to struggle 1000 times more, work hard 10,000 times more to overcome all that I have lost.

For I am My Best Resource.

Sunday, 4 February 2018

Story of Nobody

This is a story of somebody who is a nobody. Crushed by the truth, she walked the path. Thinking it will take her somewhere. Unaware of the fact that in the search of somebody, she'll find nobody. She kept on walking, hoping something will indicate her to somebody. Pain was with her and nobody. Loneliness stepped like a shadow with her, that soon became her somebody. And she kept on being a nobody.

Digging into self, for self

Truth is, I don't know myself. I try and try and try smiling, but all I end up doing, is crushing and hurting myself. Only tried and failed. Hope, does not really exist. My story, my existence, does not really exist. For I have lost all I knew, lost everyone, lost myself. All that is left of me is regrets and question about why am I even still alive. What is it that is True.

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

As Time Passes By, Capturing the Fading Dreams, We Try!


Time is the only thing one cannot capture.
But moments, you surely can.

There have been several moments in my life, where i should have taken a decision.
Decision that would have crafted by future. But then i kept wandering in my own thoughts, in my disbelief. Wondered if i was really capable of what i wanted to accomplish.

I knew i loved music, i knew i could play, i knew i could learn quickly.
But then i held myself back. I wonder why.
Was i overthinking about what my parents wanted me to do?
Or was i just too lazy to try harder?
Because as much as i remember, at the most extreme they would have really got mad at me.
They would never kick me out of the house for the fact that i play.

Yes, they have their own dreams. They have their dreams of me, of my life. They want me to become an government officer, specially my father. They want me to earn enough and get married well.
I am going to turn 25 on 15th August,2017. The society where i live in believes this is the right age to get married or to at least start looking for a groom.

It is so much pressure. Pressure i cannot express, i can only feel. I feel like i am trembling. I haven't figured out my life yet. How can i possibly decide to share it with somebody, somebody tagged officially as my husband, my life partner?

I feel so blank. So lost.
It isn't like i do not have plans. I do. But while i work on them, the age factor, the arriving marriage proposals scare me. Suddenly life feels so small. It is like a doctor telling a patient a possible duration of his lifespan. I just have an year or two in my hand before parents start pressurising me to get married.Being the eldest followed by a younger sister and a brother, makes it more difficult.

As time passes by, i wonder why i just keep wondering. I wonder what decision to take. What mistakes to not repeat. I wonder why, when i sit to play, i don't feel the same hunger that i did before. I know music is one thing i really want to do. But somehow i take a backseat and watch time pass by.

I stay Alive, trying to breathe, trying to make sense.

I work in a digital marketing agency. Within a week of my last day of college as a post graduate, i landed up at my job. Since then, it has been almost two years.

I took it with the intent of learning digital marketing, one  that i could further use for my own development as a musician, as well as for other musicians.

I took it so that i could earn, so that i could buy my dream guitar, so that i could buy other amazing equipments that could help me record better, portray better. Its been two years, i am still trying.

Been though much to express, questioned too much to be answered.

Time is passing. I am not sure what i am doing. I am at a stage where i desperately want to leave my job, focus on music. But i think i do not have the courage to be without money, without job. Nor can i take up a job that is lesser than i am doing right now. That shall totally disappoint my parents. My current job as a digital marketing specialist demands a lot. Freelancing is something i can do. But again i think i am too afraid for the change.

I have to keep trying to build courage. And so i begin typing again after almost a year, letting it out. For the world to see, hear me, i type, i type to reach out. I am sure somebody will get back to me. Somebody passing the similar phase of life, or somebody who might be able to understand my situation. Somebody will reach out sooner or later.

With that hope, i shall keep typing, sharing what i feel and experience. For i know when sometimes i cannot talk to anybody else, i can at least type.

Today i have taken leave from work, hoping to encourage myself to play, to rebuild the belief that i play.

To Live while i Can!







Saturday, 13 February 2016

When does it really Begin??

They say the Time shall Come!!!

But when does it really Come?
I have been waiting for long enough..
I still don't see it coming...

Everything I begin, is somehow left Halfway
It all begins with Zest
That slowly fades

I believed I could
But now things seem so unreachable

Is it me?
Is it me who is not really able to do thing?
Or Is it the time?
Or is it the though of doing something great that shreds the little steps
Considering them unworthy...

What should I really be doing?
Should I Sing?
Should I Play?
Should I talk to somebody?

For no motivation works!!!

No Clue what is to come!!!
What is to be done!!!

But if I don't decide now, won't it be too late?
Too late to craft my life?

They say time Shall Come!!!
I see no glimpses of it...

I guess it is there, waiting, waiting for me to come towards it...

It can surely Travel
And so can I

So why not just Step Up
Let every Step count
Making the Path towards that Time!!

Time that shall be mine...


I am sure, there are many like me...
I guess we all shall meet.

Embrace each other's though, share ideas.
Help each other to approach that Time!!!

Make it ours!!!

Every time one stumbles, there shall be several others
Shall Be there, not to give a hand to lift
But to be there to make the one to stand by self
For to make each one Independent

For they shall be Around!!!


Let's Start it...


Moving towards Him

I know I know I know
I know I know I know


I know, that you are around
I know, that you have been waiting for Me

You have taken the Steps
Now it is it is time for me

For we are to see so much More
For we are to Travel Along

Share every breath
Share every memory

You are not easy to Trace
But I am sure I shall find you

I so know that you are around
Possibly looking for me.

I shall follow everything that leads to you
Every trace of you

I picture you with transparent paint
For the colors shall seep in once we meet

For now, I can look for your presence
For I can't stop or you shall go further

Our directions are to coincide
The point for us to meet

Ahhh!!!
For that I shall make a move
Take a step further towards You!!!

All you need to know is that we shall be Together!!!